OK, let’s start…

We’ve all seen X-men, right? Mutation to a new form, even a new species. EVOLUTION. Kelson Raj, however, is no X-Man – or Woman. No, no, you see, whatever Kelson’s mutations, what good could they possibly do the world, or, in fact, himself? Bulging eyes haven’t helped him to see. Double dimples have not aided his communication skills, as encounters with a certain Krystle Lim seem to have proven. And despite shiny, slimy, waterproof skin and hair, Goldfish most certainly has no idea how to swim. So, the question in our minds – how does a Kelson come about? How did it … EVOLVE?

20, 000 BC – Goldfish evolve from decomposed brain tumors of a Pakistani, who is really just a brain tumor himself.

15, 000 BC – A brave, adventurous goldfish tries to slither onto dry ground, but lands in cow dung. Kelson’s skin is formed.

15, 000 – 5, 000 BC – The Ice Age. Kelson-goldfish would have escaped, but, sees another female goldfish and decides she’s the sexiest goldfish alive. He stares at her with his trademark Eyes-Popping-Out-Of-My-Head look, but, being a goldfish, and having a name like Kelson, he fails to realise he is being rolled over by a glacier, instead thinking that he’s so handsome the female goldfish decides to give him a rather nice massage. By the time he recognizes the truth of it (that he’s covered by a glacier, not that he’s uglier than a rock soaked in hydrochloric acid. That truth he still hasn’t realized) Kelson-goldfish is unable to move, and so falls asleep.

5, 000 BC – Ice Age ends when Kelson-goldfish’ fart releases massive amounts of methane greenhouse gas into the atmosphere. Kelson-goldfish wakes up, and starts moving around. In the trail of slime he leaves behind him, Matthew Ho is born.

AD 300 – Kelson-goldfish conducts world’s first Botox procedure by inserting toothpicks into his cheeks to lift up his sagging face. Experiment fails, however, when Kelson gets hungry and eats the toothpicks. The sunken face is formed.

AD 1600 – Dumb white man thinks Kelson’s dark face is a golf hole, and accidently hits golfballs into Kelson’s eye sockets. The ‘Goldfish Eyes(TM)’ are complete.

AD 1900 – Despite it all, Kelson-goldfish is still a goldfish. His big breakthrough comes when someone tries to eat him. However, the taste is so bad that the man immediately tries to wash it down with water. Kelson-goldfish uses the water to swim into his brain, and takes control. He shapes the face into his own, creating the worst contender for ‘Hottest Man Alive’ since Hugh Pattinson. Everything seems to work well, but ever-hungry Kelson tends to munch on the bits of the brain which he thinks are unimportant as a snack. Retarded-ness comes quickly.

Indeed in Form One, our only semi-permanent retard was Mr. Agilan himself. Prone to lose track of time while staring at female passers-by at the tennis court, he put years (or is it months? or is it weeks?) of teacher training to waste when he decided that the top class did not need to actually study his subject. His retardedness lives on as a “B” on many Jejarum exam slips from Form 1. Not to mention Ikhwan’s “D,” though you can’t really blame anyone else if Ikhwan did that badly.

We went on to Form Two, and the Mentally Challenged Teachers Association seemed to have an explosion in intake. We met Pn. Sadariah, who once taught us maths as well. In heavenly revelation, she discovered that complete lack of English was not helping her teach Maths in, umm, English, and moved over to wreak havoc in Bahasa Malaysia. Her crowning achievement is writing checkmarks in every single paragraph of my karangan, then giving me half the marks.

For Form Two Maths we experienced the tragedy of Cik Nurul Jihan. We called her Jihad, and her Jihad was against English. She was very, very firm that she didn’t need to know English to teach us Maths in English. Many looked at her as a stubborn idiot. I look at her as a visionary long-term planner. After all, there were only 3 years til we switched back to BM.

Pn. Hernani’s funky pronounciation of Science terms was a capable contender for AXN’s World’s Most Amazing Videos. Cikgu Ayu probably spent more effort trying to discover my location by shouting “Viss, VISSS, mana Vis?!?” than it would have taken to put a GPS chip in my brain. And our Sejarah teacher, well-versed in Kumon, brought upon us the horror of the mind map.

I have great fear that this year the reatardation has spread to every corner of the Bilik Guru. We all know about the Kelas Pendidikan Khas. There is a secret. It’s real name is Maktab Perguruan.

Though only two days have been spent at school so far, already our teachers’ feeble attempts at teaching sound like Mr. Bean trying to talk. Our new Maths teacher continues the long tradition of stupidity, telling us all that we must always speak in English, before walking up to the whiteboard and misspelling “theorem.” The Pn. Godzilla-or-whatever-her-name-is from Pendidikan Seni spends art class talking about toilet breaks and the great inspiration they provide to wanna-be artists like herself.

But I resolve to wait a week or so before saying anything else. I musn’t be too quick. We could, after all, get Mr. Agilan for PJK.

Then, on Sunday, the secret leaked out to the rest of us didn’t know (ie. grand total of maybe up to 5 people). How? Facebook.

“Someone” (I swear it wasn’t me) posted this on Syafiq’s Wall on Sunday:-

Syafiq's secret revealed

In the press of a button ( and roughly 52 keyboard taps) all of Syafiq’s efforts towards secrecy turned to dust.

My friends, in Facebook we have the single greatest threat to secrets since the birth of Theva and his pet garuda. Every, single move you make is analyzed by your over 200 friends (ok, about half of that in Syafiq’s case), scanned for information. And so, the “inside joke” was decoded and figured out faster than Syafiq could shout “YAMATE!!” Inside joke, outside tragedy.

People, if you love and care for Syafiq, we must unite to end this threat. A few things you can do.

1. Quit Facebook. Join Friendster. (Wait, you guys already did that the other way round?)

2. Delete Syafiq from your friends list so you won’t see the wall post. Of course, this could leave Syafiq with just 2 Facebook friends left (himself and his imaginary sister), but it’s worth it.

3. Ignore the posting. (Like that’s gonna happen)

Of course, if you don’t love him enough you can just head over to http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&story_fbid=1279881878200&id=1264637161 and comment somemore on the post. But that’s just evil. So evil I gave you the link to it.

UPDATE: Upon discovering the wall post, Syafiq began shouting in Japanese and Telegu, before commiting Harikiri (Japanese-style suicide with sword in stomach). Rest in Peace, Syafiq. Rest in Piss.

Anyway, like I said, she’s new. So when you see someone for the first time there’s generally a period when you draw conclusions and form an opinion of the person. She started off quite well, especially when her speech saved us from science class. But then she started talking.

This is generally when things go bad for new teachers. Jejarum is reasonably smart (well, some of us are). The smallest slip and a teacher is doomed to a year (or half, in this case) of ridicule and sarcasm aimed at him or her. This is the way Goliaths have fallen, among them Mr. Agilan (famed for his surprise appearances on Larry King) and Pn. Sadariah (“Teacher, can I do my homework next summer?” Reply:”Eh? OKlah.”).

This teacher did a few things wrong.

1. Her dream, her lifelong dream since she was a little girl was to become a school teacher. This is a lie. You might have noticed this already, but anyone who ends up as a government school teacher is, well, too dumb to end up doing much else. Maybe become a housewife, but like our beloved Pak Pandir that particular endeavor might result in boiling their kids in boiled water.

2. She proclaims that she was so surprised when she discovered she had been accepted into University Malaya. This is acceptable, she is a school teacher after all, and you find few of them who got past Form 6. But she goes on to say that she never thought she would get into a local university, just a low life foreign one. She thought she would doomed to study overseas. Oh, for Christ’ sake. Most of the smart people in Malaysia who do want to go to university, upon hearing that they have been sentenced to a local one, huddle up in a corner and weep, shouting curses at the government to the tune of biased scholarships, and wonder where the nearest lonely cliff is, if there are such facilities for suicidal folks in this country. Pn. Rathina is simply trying to boost her shattered ego, and once she has read this post might look out for one of those lonely cliffs I was talking about.

3. She can’t speak English. She’s a freaking English teacher, I mean, come on! As is usually the case with people who put on an accent so that you think they speak the language properly, it’s the little things that show you up. In her case, she simply said “more better” in one of her sentences. Enough said.

And so concludes my blog post of the day. There were other things I would have liked to say, mostly concerning “quality” and “price” and inability of some idiots to find a balance between the two, but I’ve taken up too much of your time already (or too much of my time. I leave it to you to decide). Just keep in mind, that in months to come, it will be said “This was IT. This was the blog post that took down the great, bumbling, Pn. Rathina.”

But wait! Our victory has been snatched away! The West has conspired with their old crony the World Health Organization, to rename the virus, ending its association with the pigs that spread. But do not fear! We shall take our revenge upon the pigs! No pig shall be left alive! Heil Pigkilla!